I wanna bring you to show and tell
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize