Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
