i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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