I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
