You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
