I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
