I wish I could punch you in the face.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
