my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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