After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
