So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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