What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
