This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
