Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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