All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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