I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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