You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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