I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
birth control should be required to get into college
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize