Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
