After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize