Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
