I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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