Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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