I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
