I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize