I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm having to shit out rocks
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
