you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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