i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize