uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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