I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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