I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
