this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
