Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
