Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
