Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
