Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
