my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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