Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
