Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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