Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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