Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize