That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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