why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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