My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
