Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
