I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
