The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
