my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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