Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
