Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
