Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
