After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
