I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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