Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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