i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
