My girlfriend figured out who you are.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
