You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Welp...herpes.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
