Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
