I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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