My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
