i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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