i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
