she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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