Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
babies were throwing up all over the place
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
