fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
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