How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
