Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
