Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
