No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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