i need an iv and a liver transplant
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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