I cannot find my penis.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
