whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
