dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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