And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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