I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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