This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize