well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
