She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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