a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
