my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize